The end

Fellow bloggers and occasional readers,
With some sadness, I'm making this final post to announce my exit from the blogging world. I've thought about it a lot, and I've decided this is what is right for me now. Thanks for all the encouragement and challenges. I'm looking forward to keeping up with many of you via e-mail, phone, your blogs, and even *gasp* in person. I'll leave this post up for a week, and then kill the blog.

Jen

P.S. For those wondering about my motivation, feel free to contact me. In light of James 4:17, I'll not be sharing those thoughts here.

Another Dove Video

Here's another good video from Dove. I'm not a Dove fanatic, but these are good tools for raising awareness about what we're allowing technology to do us.

Media and Marginalization

So Hubby was researching facial hair last night, and he read a quote on one site that was something to the effect of "The 19th century was a hotbed of facial hair experimentation." Needless to say, Hubby was enthralled for with said website for quite some time. Apparently the diversity was astounding.

Fast forward to this morning. Dotter 1 and I were driving home, and I saw a gentleman driving along who was not behaving - shall we say - "normal"? There was nothing wrong at all with this guy, but he just didn't fit with the normal appearance or behavior of the "modern" man.

Then I had to wonder, where the heck did I get my idea of "normal"?

Dotters and I were on another road a little while later, and I saw a woman of a certain culture dressed like a woman from the "mainstream" culture. It seemed comforting to me that she should meet my expectations, and I was again struck with "What the heck is that???"

Both these knee-jerk reactions got me really thinking about the difference between now and the 19th century. Why could the 19th century have massive diversity, but we're stuck here with the same haircuts and clothes and happy about it?

My off the cuff guess is that the mass media is to blame. Style magazines, TV, the Internet - all pressing the same look, sound, and actions. Its constantly in our faces, and its hard to escape.

So we've got this idea of normal, and what does it do to us? Its marginalizes the majority of us. We're either too fat, too short, too light, too poor, too shaky, too loud, too weird, too whatever. But it leaves us not "fitting." What a terrible way to live. Its like a mental precursor to the physical threat of biotechnology abuse - we're slowly winnowed out of the flock of "acceptable" company. Eventually no one will fit the ideal, and we'll somehow all be outcasts. (Maybe this has already happened, see the movie at the bottom. Think of how much work goes into a celebrity cover page picture. Not even the beautiful are beautiful enough.)

Shut off the TV, stop looking at US Weekly in the check out line, and read a book without pictures. Look up, look around, and meet the real world.

Voted Least Likely to Date?

I'll be completing my evening by reading a little Jane Austen and listening to some Pat and Ron. Perhaps Ron and Jane are an unlikely couple, but I like to think she would find him charming and refreshingly honest. Meanwhile, Ron would be overwhelmed by her intelligence and poise. Pat would be at a nearby table describing their uniforms.

Good night, folks.

Because it bears repeating

I meant to make a class post, but this one got away from me and ended up here instead of CTS. Ah, well. Enjoy. The book is Jerry Bridges' Transforming Grace.

When you picked up this book, didn’t you think – even for a moment – “Oh, good grief. I thought I came to seminary to learn something!” Even as I write this, I’m battling that sentiment off in some corner of my mind, because grace in sanctification is not a new idea to me. Every concept Jerry Bridges set forth in these opening four chapters was a familiar friend, so the question arises “Why bother?” Why read a book about grace after firmly taking hold of it?

Because it bears repeating.

Bridges is a man obsessed with grace. Having diagnosed the Church with a grace anemia, Bridges wrote this book to act as something of an emergency grace transfusion. In fact, there’s a real sense of urgency in these four chapters as Bridges brings forth Scripture after Scripture to illuminate the efficacy of God’s grace. Its almost like reading a mixed up paraphrase of the Bible!

Why the urgency? Because Bridges understands what a grace-less Church means. It means going back to Corinth. “But I, brothers, could not address you as spiritual people, but as people of the flesh, as infants in Christ. I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it. And even now you are not yet ready, for you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way?” (1 Cor 3:1-3).

Besides being obsessed with grace, Bridges has frequently championed the discipline of preaching the Gospel daily to yourself in other books, that grace might hold us captive moment by moment, resulting in transformation (or, rather, sanctification). So how do you do it? How do you preach the Gospel to yourself? Do you pour over some of the passages Bridges used, like the parable of the generous employer? Is there a painting that draws you into the Great Romance? Maybe a person who has extended abundant grace to you?

Music is my favorite preacher. Here’s my reminder for today about what grace actually is:

In the economy of mercy,

I am a poor and begging man.

In the currency of grace,

Is where my song begins.

In the colors of Your goodness,

In the scars that mark Your skin,

In the currency of grace,

Is where my song begins.

Switchfoot “Economy of Mercy”

[Very] Minor Accolades

Part of my ministry and spiritual formation class involves doing weekly readings and making posts on a class discussion board. Then for each class session, our prof picks one out to discuss in class. Thus far there have been three posts mentioned in three sessions - two have been mine. I think there are probably 75 students posting.

Now, this isn't a huge deal. In fact, its more like the prof picks out one post, pulls it up on his laptop during class, connects his laptop to the projector, and never actually discusses the post because we get too involved in other issues. Everyone sees the post at sometime during the class, and they know its mine since my picture is next to it. At the end of class he acknowledges me and tells me it was a good piece of writing. I blush, look shy, and adore every second of it. My classmates slap me on the back and call me "the Chosen One."

So what's a girl to do? I want to stay humble, but I'm slightly shocked and overwhelmed by the attention. Long time readers of this blog have had to suffer with my near constant moanings of "Oh, but am I really a good writer? Are you just saying that to make me feel better?" But here's fairly definitive proof that I'm at least above average in style and content.

Consequently, this girl's gonna finally shut up about whether or not she's good enough. I'll ply my trade hard as to improve. I'll broaden my knowledge in content, and hopefully after a few years, I'll be publishable.

*blush* Gosh.

Does this sound like me?

The next few posts are about my spiritual and ministry formation class. This class is intended to help students understand what God has put in them in order to better understand what God would have them do. So, we've done a number of diagnostics. There is a personality out there that likes to take diagnostic tests, so if you want access to these tests, I can send you the entire file.

Anywho, let me know if you think these things seem like me or if the tests have me completely wrong?

Spiritual Gifting

• Helps/Serving is the motor that keeps the Body of Christ functioning. It is rarely seen, but without it, many of the other gifts in the church would be underutilized. Helpers use their time and talents to increase the effectiveness of other parts of the Body.

• Giving is a spiritual gift that recognizes the overflowing of God’s good gifts and desires to pass those gifts on to others. Givers tend to think of how little they need rather than how much they can give, and they give sacrificially and joyfully to the work of the Lord.

• Hospitality involves opening ones home and life to those who have need of shelter, food, comfort, or fellowship. Hospitable people have a knack for anticipating needs, making people feel comfortable in unfamiliar settings, and caring for people in such a way as to make them feel valued.

• Mercy/Compassion allows one to quickly identify and feel another’s pain, and then gives the person a desire to do something to alleviate that pain.
• 
  
• Intercession is a combination of perseverance and faith: perseverance in continuing to lift up others and faith that God hears and acts. Intercessors frequently receive specific answers to their prayers.
  

Myers-Briggs

I have a strong distaste for the Myers-Briggs Test, but here are my results:

ISTJ

“Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work.” 1 Thessalonians 5:13

Contribution to the Spiritual Community

• Being dutiful and responsible conservers of tradition

• Having hard-working, dependable, and pragmatic habits

• Using past experience effectively

• Consistently bringing order and logic to all they do

Leadership Style

• Traditional and analytical approach

• Focusing on a daily basis on what needs to be done to keep things "shipshape"

• Adding an efficient and factual perspective to leadership

• Selected by others to lead because of straightforward approach

Common "Confessions

• Not wanting to change the status quo

• Becoming rules-minded and overlooking exceptional needs

• Seeking to know all the nitty­-gritty and in the process missing the "big picture"

• Doubting they are "fearfully and wonderfully made," being too aware of areas for self-­improvement

Preferred Environment for Service

• Individual, hands-on assignments or projects

• Administrative areas, especially organizational, financial, record keeping

• Managing general office tasks to keep things running smoothly

• Overseeing work or doing it themselves

Possible Spiritual Helps

• Traditional Bible study

• Daily devotions, contemplation, and prayer

• Reading or hearing about tangible and concrete examples of God's grace in action

• Religious objects which serve as reminders of one's faith

Trap: Being so aware of "works" that they forget they are already saved through grace, not through action

*I felt this did not accurately describe me, and I included the descriptors of the INTJ that applied to me. I seem to be a hybrid of the two.

I N T J

Contribution to the Spiritual Community

• Envisioning systems to create a better world

• Breaking new ground, shifting paradigms, and changing the way people view things

• Designing or adjusting strategies and structures for future needs

Leadership Style

• Being a force for change by virtue of the power of their ideas

• Challenging self and others to work toward a compelling future

Trap: Being lost in thought-not mindful of others or situation

I don't want to brag, but...

Talent Inventory
I know, you're thinking, "How do I tell Jen she's not ____?" Just give it to me straight. We were given a list of characteristics from which to choose. Sometimes I had to choose a certain number, so there's definitely a few weak ones in here.

Writing Words: Writing clearly understood reports, letters, essays, stories, scripts, advertisements, contracts, curricula, magazine articles, and the like.

Conversing: Talking one on one, sharing ideas and feelings, discussing current events, exchanging views, explaining things with a high degree of mutual understanding.

Teaching: Helping others fully understand a subject, topic, or idea in a classroom, seminar, workshop, club, association, church, or other group setting.

Familiar Group Relational: Preferring to be with people I already know. Also willing to meet new people or work on a task by myself.

Ordering My Time and Priorities: Consistently organizing my daily schedule to get the most important things done: appointments, deadlines, errands, projects, and the like.

Being of Service: Being most usually available to others when they need my help with their projects and programs to the neglect of my projects.

Reassuring and Supporting Others: Identifying with another's hurts and frustrations, giving encouragement, comfort, and support without necessarily trying to help them solve their problems.

Synthesizing: Putting together different parts to make a whole, as in a project or report; selecting ideas, concepts, or objects in order to fit them together in a useful way.

Being Decisive: Spontaneously and skillfully responding to another person's accident or emergency situation, such as a child choking, kitchen fire, stalled car, or person drowning.

The core of who I am

What do you think? Are these my most deeply held beliefs? I had to choose from a list. What do you think is missing? What made you snort in derision?

1. Integrity: Maintaining congruity between what one claims to be and how one acts
2. Family: Placing importance on maintaining familial relationships (by this I also refer to my spiritual family)
3. Service: Helping others or contributing to society
4. Generosity: Giving readily or liberally
5. Perseverance: Sustaining momentum, having fortitude
6. Responsibility: Being accountable for outcomes
7. Competency: Wanting to meet or exceed standards or expectations
8. Artistic Expression: Expressing self through the arts­, painting, drama, literature, etc.

A peek into my brain

For those who have been wondering what I've been doing lately, here's a peek into my brain. This is a paper I wrote about The Abolition of Man by C.S. Lewis for Intro to Bioethics.

The Abolition of Man is, at its heart, a call back to sensibility. In it, C.S. Lewis expertly dissects then debunks the intellectual hypocrisy that demands humankind set aside its “primal” values in favor of a thoroughly “rational” worldview. His concern is for those who have thoughtlessly abandoned sentiment to embrace logic, and he writes with irresistible reason why “the practical result of education in the spirit of The Green Book [ie. education that seeks to remove our long-held values] must be the destruction of the society that accepts it” (Lewis, 27).

Lewis maintains in The Abolition of Man that dystopia will arise from the mis-education of youth, a kind of slow creep that eats away at the firmament of men’s souls (what Lewis refers to as the Tao) and replaces it with a reckless obedience to progress. This mis-education demands the Tao prove its authority to guide our lives but offers no explanation of its own authority other than to some isolated value contained in the Tao itself (duty to our family, for example). In reality, the new authority comes exclusively from individuals who have taken it upon themselves to control society by dictating what values ought to be held. They have no capacity to recognize beauty or goodness, nor do they acknowledge the Tao, but say, “Let us decide for ourselves what man is to be and make him into that: not on any ground of imagined value, but because we want him to be such” (Lewis, 51).

It is this mis-education that will have lulled man to sleep and made him incapable of waking until the crisis is fully upon him. That which could save humankind is dismissed as fiction and is replaced with cold, unfeeling “sensibility.” About the current state of humanity, Lewis writes, “For every one pupil who needs to be guarded from a weak excess of sensibility there are three that need to be wakened from the cold slumber of vulgarity” (Lewis, 13). This abandonment of feeling and actual logic is what will ultimately lead to the enslavement of the human race, according to Lewis.

One does not need to look far to see Lewis’ prophecies being hastened upon us. We are becoming increasingly detached from reality. We have managed to control nature except in extreme circumstances, so we have no need to leave our buildings. Computers and phones have replaced physical contact with others, while cell phones continuously disrupt any rogue interactions. Our lives are increasingly becoming pictures of reality. We live vicariously through sitcoms and dramas on television. Alternative worlds are at our fingertips in the form of virtual reality, video games, and Internet chat rooms. Meanwhile, students are becoming incapable of comprehending media besides that which is largely visual. Well-developed styles of writing are discarded for txt msg grammar, and more authorities advocate the loosening or complete abandonment of formal, rigorous standards. To quote the professor from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, “I wonder what they do teach them at these schools” (Lewis, 54). It does not take much effort to see that the gradual enslavement of men is under way.

Though other books may be more frightening in their descriptions of actual issues that are upon us, The Abolition of Man strikes deeply at the heart, because it does not just capture one moment in progress. It predicts the eventual end of the process, and, according to Lewis’ well-developed logic, it is a crushing emptiness of sentiment and meaning. To that, my one solace is the cry, “Come, Lord Jesus.”

Bioethics

I'm taking an intro to Bioethics this semester, and it meets on two weekends. I just got access to the syllabus, and it turns out I have to write a short (500 word) paper about each of the books for class (4 I think). Our first class meets next weekend, so I would like to have two of the books read. I'm starting with Bioethics: A Primer for Christians by Gilbert Meilaender tonight.

I wasn't to motivated to get into the book after the introduction. In fact, I first tried to read the book a month ago, but got underwhelmed by the intro. I started looking at the chapters tonight though, and I found incentive to read on in the chapter titles: Procreation versus Reproduction, Abortion, Prenatal Screening, Refusing Treatment. Pretty important and interesting stuff. So I slogged through the short intro and jumped into Procreation versus Reproduction.

Though issues here are legion (To whom does the baby belong? Leftover embryos???), the most interesting arguments came about the existence of such scientific involvement. Most issues with "reproduction" (meaning a scientifically assisted begetting and/or gestation) are legitimized by comparing it to adoption. For example: Why get upset about a surrogate or sperm donor because it doesn't actually make something of the rearing parents' flesh? After all, adopted kids have no genetic share in the family tree (oftentimes)?

The response to this is that in the case of assisted reproduction a child is begotten out of the force of the will rather than the joining of bodies. The mystic (and I use that word seriously here) union of two people is replaced by a plan to have something to raise. Adoption is to be an emergency routine, born out of desperation for a child that already exists and has needs. Assisted reproduction is born out of desperation for something to exist and have needs.

I was pleased to see a section at the end reminding us of God's sovereignty in reproduction. As children become idols to devote our lives to, parents and would-be parents are advised to step back and re-evaluate life. Why do we want children so badly? What do we want from God that we think He gives only or primarily in the form of a child? This question seems to parallel the "problem" of singleness in church and the world as a whole.

Perfecting Ourselves to Death 5

I just finished the book (OK, I just finished a nap, but right before that I finished the book). The final section was about learning to live with imperfection. One beautiful, God-given way to deal with it is to be placed in a situation that demands a perfectionist give in, such as living in a foreign country that doesn't acknowledge the same ideals as a person's home culture. However, most of us aren't given such blessings. Dr. Winter offered some other practical advice:

1. evaluate the pros and cons of perfectionism
2. recognize all-or-nothing patterns
3. keep a journal
4. have small and specific goals

In future posts, I hope to cover at least one and two. Three and four are probably too personal to cover on the old World Wide Web.

In that same chapter of practical advice, Dr. Winter offers some insight into success in implementing the previously listed steps. The first is that one must have courage to fail. I struggled with that just a few hours ago as I "let" Hubby take Dotter 1 to the bathroom. I was hearing them have various little struggles, and I wanted to march right in there and make her obey. Instead, I buried my head deeply in POTD and prayed. He also mentioned being a good participant in counseling, not comparing oneself to other imagined clients or worrying about what the counselor is thinking about me.

And obviously, Dr. Winter addressed the role of an appropriate identity in Christ in all this. We need to understand our origins, our intended purpose, and our future. We are an "almost but not yet" project. Christ's work has brought us so far, and Christ's return will finish the work for us all. Meanwhile, we need to learn to struggle together with the Spirit against our flesh and bone, groaning with creation and searching for glimpses of glory (things that are functioning in a way that God intended).

Luna and...

Dean. Dean Thomas. My opinion has changed. Having just finished the entire series for at least the second time, I've discovered a few subtleties. There has been much discussion about Luna and Neville eventually ending up together, largely based on the fact that they were the clumsy, sometimes weird, outsiders. People have complained that there's no mention in the epilogue of such a connection, and though Neville is mentioned, there's nothing about Luna.

So what happened? Here's my theory.

Dean Thomas and Luna spent a significant amount of time together at both Malfoy's mansion and then at Bill and Fleur's home (Shell Cottage). There's a passing mention there of Dean listening to Luna go on about Crumple-Horned Snorkack. Here's a brief excerpt describing the scene.

Looking uncomfortable, Dean shrugged at Harry as he passed, following Luna into the combined dining and sitting room...

It may not seem like much, but it indicates some type of confusing feelings towards Luna on Dean's behalf. Then they arrived at Hogwarts together, having answered the call for Dumbledore's Army. After they were all assembled and ready to fight, Luna and Dean joined the DA and other fighters to defend the main castle. Here's a brief excerpt from chapter 30 "The Sacking of Severus Snape":

"'Come on, Luna,' Dean called as he passed, holding out his free hand; she took it and followed him back up the stairs."

*eyebrows raised slightly* See what I mean? No mention of her and Neville, but these very subtle scenes with Dean. Plus, it seems to be the pattern that Hogwarts teachers aren't married. This isn't a rule, because Sirius Black's great-great-grandfather was a headmaster, meaning he was probably married. (Neville was a professor at Hogwarts in the epilogue.)

I haven't done any web "research" to find out if anyone else thinks this, but I'm sticking with my theory. Though Luna and Neville would have been the obvious couple, I think Dean and Luna was the one Rowling created.

Perfecting Ourselves to Death 4

Just finished the section on origins of perfection. One chapter was about children learning to protect themselves from uncertainty or criticism by controlling their environments. It also dealt briefly with the memory of Eden that makes us long for more than this brokenness we have. Perfectionism becomes restoration - the plan of salvation. The other chapter covered pride as a source of perfectionism, the old pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

At this point, my only reflection is that I need to get help or else my kids are going to suffer my sin with me. The portion about children reacting to perfectionist parents' demands was very convicting. I've described myself by saying "I have to win" way too many times.

Perfecting Ourselves to Death 3

Making some good headway into the third part of POTD. I've just finished the external influences section of the part, and here's a summary of those influences:

• Genes and temperament (just born that way...)
• Shame and guilt
• Parental influences
• Culture and media

I feel my perfectionism is mild enough that its not an issue of genes and temperament. Though family stories of my "motormouth" tendencies are rife, I haven't heard any of my being a particular or controlling child.

Shame and guilt definitely plays a role in my perfectionism. There are things I have done and had done to me of which I am not proud, and it convinces me that I am a truly bad person. I feel that I, especially in my adolescent years, manipulated situations and people to make myself appear a certain way.

My parents have had an influence on my perfectionism, and as I parent my own children, I realize how incidentally those things happen. Withheld affection coupled with a small amount of criticism, hastily spoken words, funny stories recounted again and again - these all slip unmarked through time except by the one who is on the feeling end of them.

And obviously, who can slip past the culture and media? My greatest struggle with this has been in accepting Hubby's attraction for me - me, who's not slim or svelte. I wonder that he desires me in particular.

Perfecting Ourselves to Death 2

Um... do you remember how I said yesterday that I thought I was a "healthy" perfectionist? I've have decided that I am an unhealthy perfectionist. Today's section covered some of the clinical characteristics of unhealthy perfectionism. Here are the ones that did not describe me:

depression, burnout, suicidal ideation, eating disorders, procrastination, obsessive compulsive personality or disorder, rigidity and resistance to change

Here are the ones that do:

anger, performance anxiety, indecisiveness, scrupulosity and oversensitive conscience, intolerance of ambiguity, black-and-white thinking, fear of doing or being average, desire to change self immediately, fear of making mistakes, tyranny of oughts and shoulds (I should be able to be a good mom, take graduate level courses, improve my guitar playing, serve those around me, run each morning, have a thriving prayer and devotional life, and still be a loving wife), denial of reality (what is actually feasible to accomplish)

Anger and indecisiveness surprised me most. I would not have described myself a few years ago as an angry person, but as life situations have slowly removed the autonomy I gained at the onset of adulthood, I have ranged from irritated to downright explosive when my ability to control myself and my environment is threatened. Motherhood is a constant source of this. When the baby wakes up at 3 am and is crying but won't eat or go back to sleep, I get irritable. When the toddler flatly refuses to get on the potty for the third time in a minute, I see red. This also happens in very stressful times, like when I screamed and yelled at my mom in the middle of a long and very intense family visit.

I'm pretty sure most of my acquaintances would describe me as very decisive, but I'm am frequently wracked by fear that I'm making the wrong decision. Every time our car breaks, I call my dad to talk it through, both before and after a mechanic looks at it. When our kids get sick, I act like the decision to take them to the doctor will cause life or death. However, I'm very decisive about big decisions, like moving, starting school, having kids, so I don't think this particular trait is as controlling as others.

I'm anxious to get to the last section of this book as it discusses treatment options. I know that my relationships, especially with Dotter 1, are being heavily affected by this constant disillusioned view of life, and I would really like to have it addressed.

Perfecting Ourselves to Death 1

As I mentioned in a previous post, classes have started. I'm not sure how many books I'll read this semester, but I'll have to definitely read all four of the assigned books for Intro to Counseling. I know this because we have to write book summaries for each that count towards our final grade.

Today I started "Perfecting Ourselves to Death" by Richard Winter who is - not coincidentally - our professor. The introduction began with a description of Dr. Winter's concern about this book and whether or not it was ready to publish, effectively introducing the topic by giving us a few of his own struggle. This was a pleasant welcome for me, as I'm wrestling down my doubts about my own book.

The books is divided into 4 sections:

1. The call to perfectionism that is rampant in society, an explanation of the debate about whether perfectionism is all bad or if there is sliding scale of perfectionism, and some clinical descriptions of the problem
2. Psychological associations with perfectionism
3. Influences leading to perfectionism
4. Practical strategies for overcoming and coping with perfectionism

I read through the first section today and was disturbed to find many of the qualities of a perfectionist dominate my life, personality, and relationships. I immediately began explaining these coincidences away or justifying ones I could not explain away. Based on Dr. Winter's descriptions of the types of perfectionism, I would say I am an "all-around perfectionist" (as opposed to just interpersonal, appearance, performance, or moral), and it is a self-oriented perfectionism (rather than socially prescribed or other oriented), meaning that I am driven by myself to perfect myself. However, I do see the tendency towards other oriented perfectionism in regards to my husband and children.

There was much discussion of "healthy" or "unhealthy" perfectionism, and Dr. Winter's provided a couple comparative lists. I'm guessing that I am an unreliable judge of myself, but I think I stayed largely on the "healthy" side of the charts (discipline, determination, self-assurance, strong moral standards, courteous, helpful as opposed to depressed, suicidal tendencies, avoids challenges, self-blaming). However, a few descriptors on the "neurotic/unhealthy" side can slip into my life occasionally for short seasons, such as anger, impatience, irritability, shame and guilt. These are usually brought on during strife with my daughters (except for the shame and guilt portion), which leads me to think I'm moving towards other oriented perfectionism.